My Kind of Fairy Tale

A friend passed this along to me, but I’m not sure of the original source.  I can’t possibly say anything better than it, so my contribution to this post will be short.

Anyone who knows me will, immediately after reading this, understand why I love it so much.  Those who don’t know me might feel sorry for my husband.  But, part of the reason for my post -- besides to share with you all what I think is awesome -- is to say that my husband’s response to this fairy tale when I emailed it to him confirmed why I am married to the one and only guy for me.  I’ll let you read it first so as not to give away any spoilers:

 

My one true love's perfect response?   “I’m glad you ate that frog bastard!”  How great is that? 

Don't Burn the Day

“When you face death, it’s like facing a wall, and it forces you to turn around and look at the life you’ve lived … The prevailing mythology is that you die the way you live and you can't change yourself in any way. The fact is that the last few months of life — because of the awareness of death — create an urgency that facilitates growth and change.”  William Breitbart, a psychiatrist at Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York.  (from an NPR broadcast).

I have become a person who listens to NPR on the way towork.  I’m not sure when the change from jamming to some DMB to tuning into talk radio in the morning occurred, but I have found that after 30, things like this just happen, so I roll with them.   I still jam to music on the way home from work because I refuse to completely give myself over to the dark side as a grown-up who loses touch with the magic of music.  (My current obsessions are Adele’s 21 and Ray Lamontagne’s God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise if anyone is looking for some new tunes).  None of this speaks to my point (except the listening to NPR part) so I’ll get on with it.

During my Monday morning drive, NPR was airing a story about dignity therapy titled, “For the Dying, a Chance to Rewrite Life.”  A psychiatrist was discussing his years of research and practice of allowing dying patients to come to terms with death by essentially writing the history of their life to pass on to whomever they choose.  It was intriguing to hear about how people reinterpreted events while facing death.  He explained that people feel the need to assert themselves in the face of death, to be seen in a way of their choosing.  Essentially (though not surprisingly), facing death changed perspective and priorities.  Thus, the quote I began this post with. 

What struck me so much about the segment was that I realized that probably the reason I live such a full (and sometimes mentally exhausting) life – ever changing, growing, turning directions if something isn’t working or if I don’t feel happy– is because I make decisions and live life as if facing death every day.  Because… we are.  I know some people could construe this as depressing, but I think most people who know me would say that I am anything but a depressed person.  It’s just that, I have this one chance to build my life, and as touching as these stories were, I don’t want to wait until I reach my death bed to grow and change.  I don’t want to have a regret or memory that I feel the need to reinterpret.  It might be the only time when, as a writer and writing teacher, I would call “rewriting” a dirty word.  I want to face death and think, “Now that was one hell of a life, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”  It may mean I change my mind a lot and over-analyze how I feel about situations, but I can accept that. 

Not knowing when I’ll face my actual death bed forces me to make every day a good day to die.  And for me, there’s just no other way to live. 

Polygamy: don't knock it til you try it

I’m sure many of you clicked on the link to see what I could possibly have to say in favor of being married to more than one person, but hear me out.  I’m not saying it would be okay with me if my boo fell in love with another woman and wanted to marry her, expecting me to share him in the bedroom.  I might have to go all Baltimore on someone if that ever happened.  And I damn-straight-skippy know he would sooner set the house on fire than hear of sharing me with another man.  Although, some days I’m sure he wishes I were another husband’s headache, but I digress.  Luckily, that’s not the kind of polygamy I’m advocating here.  I’m advertising the agnostic, platonic, based-on-common-sense kind of polygamy.

You see, I married Marcus two years ago, but technically, I was married well before that.  To my friend, Val.  And I didn’t divorce her just because I found my male soul mate.  Man, don’t I hate when women (and men) do that.  Well before we got married but when we were in the serious enough phase to have such talks, I explained to Marcus that I don’t believe that someone’s spouse always has to come first.  I explained that, while he would obviously be one of the most important people in my life, he shouldn’t expect to be the only or the most important person in my life all the time. Don’t worry, I went on to explain how his friend, Ken, should always be as important to him as me and that sometimes, Ken would be more important, and that’s okay.  And it’s my firm belief that this is one of the reasons why we have such a strong marriage.

While the media always speculates about the nature of Oprah and Gayle’s relationship, I completely understand it.  In fact, one time when Marcus and I were talking about it, I explained by saying they were just like Val and me.  He got it right away.  The reason why everyone likes to assume they “must be gay,” (well, besides the fact that the media is ridiculous) is because for some reason our society has decided that a spouse or significant other is the only person you should do certain things with: vacation, have slumber parties, talk to on the phone a hundred times a day, etc.  And this is simply bogus. 

Both Marcus and Val’s husband understand that Val and I keep each other in check in a way that they never could.  Do you think Marcus wants to hear me obsess about what I said that someone might have taken out of context?  Um, no.  I can tell by the way his eyes glaze over as he tries his hardest to pay attention.  Do you think I want to hear about professional wrestling?  Call Ken, honey. Men and women are different, and that’s what makes marriage dynamic and exciting.  But those differences can cause huge problems if you don’t let yourself rely on other people as well.  Life is big and complicated and fantastic and scary all at once.  In my mind, the only way to experience it to its fullest is to have more than one person on your team. Marcus couldn’t (and wouldn’t want to) handle all that I could throw his way, so he happily and gratefully shares me with Val and my other friends.  And in turn, I have much more to give him instead of expecting too much from him.

I have a lot of people on my team because I make it a point to cultivate all my friendships even though it means that sometimes Marcus plays second fiddle.  But there is something so comforting about having a “wife” who feels just as committed to me as Marcus does.  We may not have exchanged vows or made a big ceremony of it, but Val and I have an understood bond and commitment to making sure we each live our best life and that we’re never alone in doing it.  Having a wife makes me a better wife, and if that makes me a polygamist, well then, my only question would be, why aren’t you?