Child Free by Choice and Finally Represented

When the movie Julie and Julia premiered, I remember feeling elated that the main character was a woman whose quarter-life crisis didn’t revolve around finding a man or trying to have a baby.  I can’t lie – I love a chick flick, but it gets old watching the same story lines over and over again.  More than that, I’ve always felt grossly under-represented as a woman who spent many years happily single and not pining for children.  Obviously, these days, I’m happily married.  But that hasn’t changed my views: I still believe that constantly representing women as lost, lonely, and/or desperate without a relationship and/or kids is irresponsible and, truthfully, insulting. 

As it turns out, I’m also happily child free by choice, which brings me to my recent elation over this past week’s episodes of two television shows I follow: How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) and Grey’s Anatomy (GA).  Each show boasts a leading female character who openly declares she doesn’t want children.  While these characters have been around since the beginning of each series (not wanting kids the whole time), both were confronted this week with standing by their choice, even in the face of losing the men they love.  Neither compromised their position, and moreover, they didn’t apologize for it, especially Christina Yang, the feisty surgeon on GA.  This felt like a breakthrough to me.

I don’t think anyone can deny that we live in a kid-centric society.  And I’m okay with that; after all, having children is the path most traveled.  What I’m not okay with is feeling misrepresented and misunderstood by the vast majority and the media.  Choosing to be child free almost feels like the alternative lifestyle that no one wants to address or acknowledge, and I’m not sure why.  Even some of my child-free friends claim they feel uncomfortable disclosing their choice, whether it be because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, or they don’t want to hear a speech. 

Yang’s husband’s reaction to her firm decision that she doesn’t want kids highlighted this lack of understanding.  He said, and I’m paraphrasing slightly, “No one doesn’t want kids… everyone wants kids. You'll change your mind,” to which she replied, “I don’t want kids.”  But it wasn’t so much his lack of understanding that struck a chord with me, as it was the other things he was willing to say, such as, “You’ll regret this.  Somewhere down the line, you will regret it.”  She stood her ground, which I loved, but I resent the idea that those of us who don't want kids are left to defend our choices so vehemently.

The thing is, people feel compelled to say these kinds of things to me (and worse), and I wonder: why do people feel it’s their place to question my decisions?  What is it that sparks people to say things like:

·     You are selfish for not wanting kids

·      You will be lonely when you are older

·      You’ll never know what love really is

·      You’re missing out on the greatest experience there is

·      You will have regrets/You'll change your mind

·      How can you not like children?

·      But you would be such a good mom!

Before I move on, I’d like to take my little slice of the blogosphere to address these questions.  Forgive any icy undertones; I’ve been holding a lot of this in a while.  I’ll address them in the order listed above.

·      Any choice we make in life is a selfish one.  If you are having children for any of the reasons you use to question me, you are making a selfish choice.  Adopt a 10-year-old who will likely spend his life in the foster system otherwise, and then I’ll be happy to not call you selfish.

·      I don’t have kids now and I’m not lonely, so why will I be lonely later?

·      I have a husband, parents, close family members, and best friends (not to  

mention furry children) who would be largely offended at assertions that I don’t know what real love is.

·      Maybe I am missing out on what is coined as life’s greatest experience, but it’s a chance I’m wiling to take to have a life with freedom to do what I want, when I want, which is more important to me.

·      First, it’s presumptuous to tell someone else what she would regret.  Second, I’d much rather regret the decision to not have kids than to regret the decision to have them.Third, if assuming I'll change my mind makes you feel better, by all means, assume it.  But I won't, and it's annoying being told what I will do.

·      I never said I didn’t like children; I said I didn’t want them.  That being said, it would also be acceptable if I just didn’t like them.

·      While I’m grateful for the compliment, I never said I wouldn’t be a good mom; I said I didn’t want to be a mom.  I know full well what I would have to give up to do the job right, and I just don’t want to do it.

Here’s the thing: I have a very long list of reasons why I don’t want children.  Yet, I don’t heap questions upon friends when they call with news of pregnancy.  I don’t take license to think I can force my choices or opinions about parenthood onto them.  And I certainly don’t take offense when someone chooses to have kids.  All I ask is that in return, people don’t do these things to me or to others like me. We have thoroughly thought through our decision; I promise you.  And, more often than not, it’s safe to say we have done more thinking about the decision not to have kids than most people do who actually have them.

I don’t expect for one blog post (albeit a long one) to clear up all the misunderstanding that’s out there, just like two TV characters aren’t going to change the face of this seemingly taboo alternative lifestyle.  But, it’s a step in the right direction.  And I do hope that since those reading likely know me at least fairly well and know that I am a good person, it might lead to a less judgmental and, well, less mean, way of looking at people who choose not to have kids. I truly hope that people love their lives and their children so much that they couldn’t imagine life without them - -we should all be living the only life we can imagine for ourselves.  GA’s Christina Yang is, and I know I am.  Are you?